Friday, June 02, 2006 if mutant powers can give happiness, happiness would be mutated.
darling, *hugs*what happened to the you we knew. don't tell me sadness has always been inside hibernating, opportunistically waiting for the moment to strike. you know you are stronger than that. for all the things that came your way these years, you have rode through them always emerging stronger. so many times i look at you and know you will be alright. you have the looks, the charisma, the intellect, the personality, the warmth to make it in this seemingly harsh world. but more importantly, you have the inner beauty of faith, goodness and kindness that makes you so so special. don't kill that part of you. happiness is something you own already, haven't you realised? you are loved and desired just as you are. however, if external circumsatnces are breaking you up, its time to evaluate how much of yourself are you willing to give. time to evaluate the situation and give yourself to worthy things. after all you only pass each day once.by the way, i think its harder for mutants to be happy. who wants to be mutated. do you really want a blue face with red horns. no, thank yu very muchlove u babe. see you in a month's time.hi debbie,
i'm at a lost for words. honestly i don't know why i'm feeling like that.. i don't want to.. at this point of time in my life, i'm feeling kinda numb. maybe it's just a phase i'm going through. i'm also very affected by what just happened. i try to think of it in a better light that in a way, she's luckier than us cos she gets to see Jesus first.
i hate that i cannot take control of my life and it's really pissing me off. it's hard to be strong you know. these days, i just don't feel like talking about anything anymore.
i remember when i was 14, i was really closed to this guy who was 8 years my senior. he told me never to lose myself when i grow up. he said he loved seeing how i lived my life at that point of time. i didn't quite understand him then. but now i'm beginning to see what he means.
you know how i'm pretty uptight sometimes.. and i'm scared not knowing what the future holds for me. i keep talking to Jesus and i'm trying to keep my faith knowing that He is in control.
i can't wait for you to come back. i'm getting really tired.
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She was our sunshine..
a couple of old pictures of our dearest friend.. my dearest friend lena (aka cheo bu),
for the past week, nothing felt real. everything seemed like a bad dream. even though the newspapers wrote about the accident, people talked about it, somehow i still felt you around. in my heart i kept hoping that it was just a rumor. that i can just laugh it off when i found out that the 'accident' was just a cruel joke.
but when i saw you again on monday at your house, you were just lying there. you couldn't look at me anymore. i lost control of myself. it wasn't right. it isn't fair. you are so beautiful but the girl i saw lying there look nothing like the lena i know.
on tuesday when i stepped into your room again after so many years, all the memories we shared together came flooding into my mind.. your laughter, your girly voice, your wide smile with the braces, your crazy hair.. haha.. do u still remember how your hair was super damn frizzy back in primary school? it was always so BIG.. or how u told me that bathing in the mornings are the greatest cos our stomachs are flat.. hahaha.. the crazy times we spent at kellyn's house, big apple cafe, getting into trouble at school, watching movies, bbqs, chalets and all.. those times were really great weren't they? i still remember our PE lessons together. you taught me how to jump the damn high jump shit.. and gym class always suck for me cos i can't do a cartwheel to save my life. you were always so outstanding in sports.
thank you for being the darlin' that you are, for leaving footprints in my heart and for sharing your life with me.
someone once told me that you'll never know how much you'll miss a person until that person leaves you. i'm already missing you lena. and i hate that i didn't feel this way while u were still around.
these days, your face just keeps appearing in my mind. i can hear your laughter, i can see your smile.
today was the last time i saw you. but i know that this is not the end for us. you are in a better place now, hanging out with God and all the angels. you have sugar with you! YAY!.. i still think sugar is stinky no matter what u say!
everyone gathered to say their last goodbyes to you for the past 3 days. it was awesome meeting up again with the st nicks girls. i can't really describe how it felt but to be in the presence of old friends just felt so warm and fuzzy. & i know that you were hanging with us too.
you know something lena? one of the greatest gifts that God has given me are my friends from St Nicks. the bond that was formed back then can never be broken. till now, nothing and no one can ever ever replace the friendships that were made back then. and i'm very thankful for that. it's wonderful to love and be loved.
as i sat in your room after we send you off today, i felt your presence. were you there with us? your pictures were surrounding us. i could really feel you. it was so strong. it was as if you never left us.
i'll never ever ever forget you. i'll always remember you the way you were before the accident- your cheeky grin, the hands on the waist action, the way you throw your head back when you laugh, your kaypo face when you say "what? what? TELL ME!". you're very much alive in my heart. and i'll keep that part of you lock away in my memory.
my heart is broken all over again but i'm trying my best to stay strong lena.it's tough not to cry when flashes of you appear in my mind. but i'm trying.
i know that one day we'll meet again. meanwhile, wait for me ok? i know you can hear me. we'll have a lifetime to be friends again.
loving you always always & forever,
melissa
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funny how when shit like that happens the emails starts coming in from friends studying around the world. in a way it made everyone open their hearts and bare their soul. which is a good thing.
i start to realise how important everyone is to me. i start reminising. i start missing.
growing up sucks. but this is the reality of life.
how wonderful if i could be caught in a realm, where i'm barely 10. running about with my friends, not a care in the world... no worries, no stress, no deception.. full of love, hope and joy.
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i haven't been myself lately. on the surface i look pretty much fine. but something's kinda killing me inside. and i just don't know what. i'm losing it at work. and i still cannot come to terms with the lost of a dear friend.
lena and i may have drifted a little after college, but like i said before, good friends pick up from wherever we left off. and that's what we had.
life is so uncertain and fragile. this incident has made me appreciate the people around me more. friends and family should never be taken for granted. you'll only feel the pain when one is lost.
i met up with the st nicks girls on wed night. we wrote our last words for lena. the body will be back in about a week's time. till now i still cannot swallow the news. maybe i need closure or something. i hate that i keep crying whenever i think of her. i don't want this to happen. i don't want to believe that she has left us all.
i don't have the mood for anything. i can't even concentrate at work. i'm scared that i may lose control of my emotions at work. the stress isn't helping either. so much has been happening at work. i feel like i can't handle it anymore. there are times when i wonder if i should just go. walk away from my job.
i guess i'm just lost now. i don't know what to do. and i'm scared.
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i got a call from jemma last night when i was sleeping. she broke the news to me that lena passed away in a car accident in alaska. i didn't quite believe her when she told me what happened. i went to bed thinking it was probably a nightmare.
this morning as i went to the gym i remembered jemma's call. debbie called me when i was sipping my daily americano outside starbucks. the news of the death of our dear lena has spread from singapore to aust to europe. i just started crying. i couldn't believe it. i tried to take control of the situation and started on my workout. i just couldn't do it. the tears kept rolling.
i didn't work out. i couldn't. i can't help thinking how this can happen. it doesn't seem real at all.
i remembered how i didn't like lena back then. i was only 11. God had a bigger plan for us. He put us together in science class and our friendship grew from there. we cracked up at dirty jokes, discussed sex all the time, smacked each other boobs and do silly things 11 year olds do..
we were in the same class in secondary school for 2 years. we got pretty tight together with letitia, kellyn and jane in mohana's class. i was always closer to letitia and kellyn. but lena never fell behind. we bitched, laughed, played and simply be us. we had stupid nick names for each other. i remember letitia calling lena 'phantom of the opera' because back then lena had really big hair. thinking of it, the phantom doesn't have big hair.
she was beautiful, tall, generous, witty and intelligent. a cheerleader, gymnast, atheletic and most of all, a cheerful, beautiful friend who left us too soon.
losing her made me realise how fragile life is. i'm still in a state of shock. part of me don't believe that she is gone. it's too sudden, too soon. it seems unreal. as i'm writing this, i feel a part of me dying. my chest feels tight and my eyes heavy. the little art piece she made me on my 13th birthday sits in front of me on my study.
maybe this is just a nightmare. maybe someone will call and say that she's alive and well, it wasn't lena in that accident.
dearest lena, wherever you are in heaven, you have made a difference in my life. i hope i have been a friend to you while you were still with us. i'll never forget you and your wacky ways, you crazy beautiful thing! you are still holding that special place in my heart. i'll keep you close as always.. i'll always keep the love that keeps us strong, in big and small ways. lovin you always and forever.
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i am this close to losing iti am freaking out
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