Utopia, My Happy Place

Below are some older pictures of our times together.

posted by Melissa @ 1:06 PM (0) comments

The times we tried to beat each other at tanning.

posted by Melissa @ 1:05 PM (0) comments

I win. I'm blacker than you yimin! HAH.

posted by Melissa @ 1:04 PM (0) comments

Mel trying to catch me without eyebrows, so I covered them!

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Coloring Candice's hair..

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A proper picture of us - The BOOBS Brigade

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Huffy

Xiaowei's new puppy in Melbourne. So bloody adorable. I wanna eat her. Or him. whatever.

Bring Huffy to Singapore XW! I wanna hold her!! PLEASE!

posted by Melissa @ 3:54 PM (0) comments

This & That.

HOT HOT HOT
Gosh. Tanji is so freaking hot. I totally dig black girls. Say Beyonce, Ciara and stuff.. but this chicko here takes HOT to a whole new level. Well, to me at least. Ryan says her body is freaky. I love it. She's definitely an inspiration. Love those delts and check out her ABS. I bet her abs are more defined than most guys out there. Gorgeous. Totally want to be like her. Maybe 10 years later. Haha.

Another hottie is Christina. The Spinning, Combat & Pump instructor at gym. Pamelyn amongst many others think that she is super TAO (translate as arrogant). That's what I like about her. Haha. She as a nice body but kinda tit-less. A great voice and sexy aussie accent. Woohoo. She's greatness man. I mean who can be HOT & COLD at the same time?

Burn Baby Burn
Well. I have decided to change my stupid routine at the gym. Gonna cut down on the cardio by half. Meaning instead of 2 hours on the stupid cross trainer and stairmaster, I'm gonna do one hour crosstrainer and one hour stairmaster on alternate days. Knees giving way already. Haha. Can't afford that. I'm going to up my weight training too. & I guess I should start taking protein shakes ya? Dymatize Chocolate Mint! YUMMY.

I'm getting excited just thinking of climbing the stairmaster tomorrow. Hopefully I can break my record of 300 storeys. I think my endurance level for stair climbing has improved. YAY!
It's 'shoulder' day tomorrow. My FAVOURITE muscles group after my back. Can't wait to hit the gym and burn those muscles. Oooo... the adrenaline rush.

posted by Melissa @ 3:43 PM (0) comments

I want that body! Give me 5 years.. Haha.. er, maybe 10.

posted by Melissa @ 3:40 PM (0) comments

She's HOT.

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Tanji

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The 'F' word

Everytime I feel myself slacking away or even finding excuses not to gym, I ask myself this:

Remember Mel, remember why you made the choice to stay fit.

I remember. I want to be a champion and present myself as a woman who can be discipline and strong.

I remember. Horrid childhood memories of relatives who tactlessly called me fat.

I remember. Unkind words of classmates or even church friends who ridicule me.

I remember.

Forgetting those hurtful remarks is unquestionable. Those words can never be retracted.

I went to church today and a 'friend' (well, he's not a friend anymore) used the 'F' word on me. I felt my chest tightened and my eyes became heavy. I fought the tears and turned my back on him.

We were kind of debating and I guess he got spiteful as I tore him down with my argument. He defended his ego with a personal attack. He later sms me to apologise saying that he did not mean what he said. I deleted his number.

Ryan asked why I had to react this way.
Ryan: Jie, you're not fat what. Why you so insecure for what? Maybe he was refering to you in the past?
Me: Oh and that makes it better because?
Ryan: I told him that what he did was unpardonable. haha.. but don't be so angry la. He didn't think it was a big deal. He's just joking.
Me: It's not funny. I don't care. I swear I'm not going to talk to him anymore. Fucker.
Ryan: Aiyah.. but...
Me: As my brother, you should know me by now.

My history with eating disorders and the struggle with self image was constructed with these hurtful statements. Ryan doesn't understand because he did not experience the pain of an eating disorder as a teenager. I don't blame him for defending that guy and thinking that I was overreacting.

He doesn't know how it felt for me in the past. He doesn't know the amount of tears which fell from my eyes everytime I puked my guts out. Even till today, I do feel that way on my fat days. With a little maturity and time, I have learned to overcome these feelings. Not completely. But enough. He doesn't understand. And he never will.

With every drop of sweat, with every burn of my muscles, I'll remember.

posted by Melissa @ 3:30 PM (2) comments

Tag Away

I did it. I have open up my blog for comments. Don't know if it is a wise or stupid thing to do. We shall see..

Who knows, it may even be redundant. Haha.


P.S: I miss you Debbie! Are you reading this? Where is my Belgium chocolate? Come home for New Years, we all miss you.

P.P.S: Miss Retardee Luo Xiaowei please come home soon. I need a body guard cum pet elephant.

posted by Melissa @ 4:49 PM (0) comments

It's THAT time of the month again

Yes, I know it sucks having to read about how moody and temperamental I am at least once a month. But do you think I really give a flying fuck how you feel?

Anyway..

I woke up on Monday with the worst case of water retention ever in history. My tummy was more bloated than Thirsty Hippo's, my eyes swelled like there was no tomorrow and my face! MY FREAKIN' FACE.. I really look like a black clown fish- In the words of Johann, 'Black Nemo'.

Haha.. but who really cares anyway? Besides me.. haha...

I so need to drown myself in baggy Ts and trackies.. I hate being bloated. Plus I haven't beem getting a night of solid rest cos Grans has been discharged and I'm sleeping with her.

Diabetic patients tend to pee a lot. And I mean A LOT. I have to walk her to the bathroom at least 3 times.. Some nights get worst (6 or 7 times?) and I find myself camping outside the bathroom.. haha..

Anyway THANK GOD she's ok.. Her wound isn't healing fast but it's healing. She's very NAUGHTY though.. Does not want to stick to her diet.. (I caught her stealing cookies and sweet stuff) BUT Mom is like some really strict warden. She tolerates no nonsense from Grans which is, well, for her own good anyway.

Received a parcel from XiaoWei over in Melbourne.. A beautifully beaded bikini and thong. It's rainbow and made of sweets! The multi colored sweets are beaded and stringed into a bikini.. Haha.. Along with the bikini comes a bottle of CHOCOLATE FUDGE BODY PAINT! It even has its own brush. Haha..

The cutest part is the box which contained the bikini and thong comes with nutrition value. It's about 1800Kcal for that bikini and thong. So XW, if you think I'm going to eat it - YOU ARE INSANE. Also it's too beautiful to eat. Haha. I will eat the chocolate though.. With regards to what you say about Des lovin' it.. You cannot be more wrong. HELLO? Do you think he will 'poison' himself with chocolates?.. Haha.. Well, fortunately I'm a chocolate addict. Woohoo..

Anyone wants to share the chocolate fudge with me? Please send in a recent picture with your CV. Haha. If I'm going to be licking chocolate off someone, he or she better be hot.

posted by Melissa @ 8:16 PM (0) comments

Obsessive compulsive behaviour.

What drives me?

paranoia.

fear.

anger.

regrets.

posted by Melissa @ 2:47 PM (0) comments

Irony

There are some people that you can't live with but at the same time you cannot live without them. How do you hate someone yet feel so much for that person?

Can we really choose how to feel?
Can we really choose what we become?
And that nothing, no one, can be of an addiction.

How do you differentiate lust from deep immense feelings?
Lust which leads to shadows of the past.
Shadows of the past which leads to tears.
Tears which leads to unknown confusing feelings.
These feelings which lead to discomfort which leads back to lust.
Then you start feeling like a ghost, visible yet untouchable..

How can one person cause such an upstir of emotions? Someone you lovingly hate yet misses when he's not around..

So many unanswered questions. The confusion, the dilemma, the irony of it all.

Sometimes life can be like a bad game of tetris- The structure of the blocks don't fit into each other. But slowly and surely all life's shit is piling its way to the finish line. When you think you're heading towards damnation, 1 or 2 of the pieces fit and things proceed along as its supposed to. Then as you start smiling & laughing again, the blocks screw up along the way and things don't turn out the way you planned.

posted by Melissa @ 10:05 PM (0) comments

Went to the zoo a couple of weeks ago. Just obtained the photos from bert (des's sis's bf).

Not in the mood to blog happy stuff. I did enjoy the zoo though, especially when it was time to feed the crocs, white tigers, king cobras & jaguars.

posted by Melissa @ 10:00 PM (0) comments

des & me at the zoo.. yes we took only one picture together.

posted by Melissa @ 9:55 PM (0) comments

i love snakes. i really do. beautiful creatures aren't they..

posted by Melissa @ 9:40 PM (0) comments

Some people come into your lives and stay for good. Some come and then leave...

But do they really leave?

Would memories of them still linger in your mind years later?

Would you still miss them and think of them fondly?

What's gonna happen if they re- enter your life somewhere along the road?

posted by Melissa @ 2:13 PM (0) comments

My grandma (maternal) just underwent an operation. She's diabetic. I'm worried as hell.

My late granddad(paternal) was also diabetic when he went for an op many years ago. The wound couldn't heal and his left leg was amputated.

This morning when Xiaoyi called to say Grans got admitted at the hospital the moment she touched down, I freaked out. Mom went to pick my grandparents at the airport at midnight on Tuesday. They went on holiday to China with the church. I'm not sure what happen though..

To make things worst I had a fight with my boyfriend. I broke down when I was at the gym this morning. Well, at least I cried in the toilet cubicle so no one would notice. So bloody embarassing.

Going down to the hospital soon. Will blog when I'm feeling better. Pray for Grans.

posted by Melissa @ 4:53 PM (0) comments