Everytime I feel myself slacking away or even finding excuses not to gym, I ask myself this:
Remember Mel, remember why you made the choice to stay fit.
I remember. I want to be a champion and present myself as a woman who can be discipline and strong.
I remember. Horrid childhood memories of relatives who tactlessly called me fat.
I remember. Unkind words of classmates or even church friends who ridicule me.
I remember.
Forgetting those hurtful remarks is unquestionable. Those words can never be retracted.
I went to church today and a 'friend' (well, he's not a friend anymore) used the 'F' word on me. I felt my chest tightened and my eyes became heavy. I fought the tears and turned my back on him.
We were kind of debating and I guess he got spiteful as I tore him down with my argument. He defended his ego with a personal attack. He later sms me to apologise saying that he did not mean what he said. I deleted his number.
Ryan asked why I had to react this way.
Ryan: Jie, you're not fat what. Why you so insecure for what? Maybe he was refering to you in the past?
Me: Oh and that makes it better because?
Ryan: I told him that what he did was unpardonable. haha.. but don't be so angry la. He didn't think it was a big deal. He's just joking.
Me: It's not funny. I don't care. I swear I'm not going to talk to him anymore. Fucker.
Ryan: Aiyah.. but...
Me: As my brother, you should know me by now.
My history with eating disorders and the struggle with self image was constructed with these hurtful statements. Ryan doesn't understand because he did not experience the pain of an eating disorder as a teenager. I don't blame him for defending that guy and thinking that I was overreacting.
He doesn't know how it felt for me in the past. He doesn't know the amount of tears which fell from my eyes everytime I puked my guts out. Even till today, I do feel that way on my fat days. With a little maturity and time, I have learned to overcome these feelings. Not completely. But enough. He doesn't understand. And he never will.
With every drop of sweat, with every burn of my muscles, I'll remember.
posted by Melissa @ 3:30 PM
