I use to bother (very much) about the amount of time Des and I spend together. We would meet almost everyday (in the past that is). I would feel uneasy and even freak out a little if I go for 2 days straight without seeing him. I wonder why I bothered so much then, or even at all.
I can't remember how it started or when. We started seeing each other less. From alternate days to twice a week to once a week. We even went for 2 weeks without seeing each other.
On my part, I guess it was because I had to juggle work and gym. Maybe he's really busy with his FIC (Fitness Instructor Course?) and the preparation of the upcoming exam. I don't know.
Last night we quarrelled. It was only a small issue. Somehow it didn't seem that tiny to me afterall. I don't know why. I was itching for a fight. He took one step back and gave in to me. But I wasn't satisfied.
Friends ask me if I see a future with him. I always have no comments. That's because I'm uncertain of the future. It's true. The thing I hate about first loves is the uncertainty that strings along with the fear of getting hurt. (I didn't love any of the guys I dated in the past. They were mostly schoolgirl crushes or lust objects)
Wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to love without holding back? To love fearlessly. To be self-less yet selfish. To be wild and passionate. To be crazy yet mature. To be able to feel everything- joy, hope, tears, peace in maximum capacity. Brilliant isn't it?
I'm still not talking to him. How to when he has not called?
posted by Melissa @ 9:46 AM
